Underground

2 summers ago I started writing my own version of Dostoevsky's Notes from Underground.  It was an interesting exercise.  It turned into a weird stream of conciseness or something very like it.  Anyway, this is "chapter 5"...

Chapter Five

I took a walk with myself tonight.  I often walk at night.  Sometimes with my siblings; sometimes with myself—never alone.  I needed time to be quiet and think, to mentally digest all the thoughts whizzing through my head.  People often need a time to get away--away from the bustle of life—time to spend with themselves.  What am I thinking about today?  Listen.  Be still.  Paying attention to the thoughts swelling and surging inside me.  Brain waves—rapid fire!—shoot through my  mind.  Ting ‘a’ ling zhingk zhank zhow!  Fast thoughts.  Oops…they’re gone.  What is left?  Whispers.  Why can I not remember?  It’s too late.

We all need time to reflect.  How will we ever know ourselves, ever understand our own ideas and thoughts and beliefs, if we do not take the time to get acquainted with ourselves?  Life progresses at a dizzying speed—never stopping, never even slowing.  A minute creeps by.  It’s gone forever.  Fast.  We get caught up in the business of life; it becomes pandemonium, chaos.  Stillness.  This is what I crave.  Quiet.  This is what I need.  I need to hear myself think.  I need to feel myself connect—connect with the still waters that supposedly run deep within.  How do I reach those waters?  How do I ever find the time to slow down?  Who knows.  Sigh.  (You’re bored now, I know it.  You’re thinking, who cares about all this?  Shuttup, girl!)  Well, I’m just thinking.  Introspection is a good thing.  We all need some time for it.  Get to know yourself.  Don’t settle for just getting by.  Delve.  Reach the waters.

I took a walk tonight.  Thoughts flit through my head.  A constant stream of phrases representing vague thoughts flash across my frontal lobe.  Watch out!  My ipod plays classical music.  No words.  Just me thinking.  I am taking a walk with myself.  Hi, I’m Grace.  Remember me?  I haven’t had much time for you lately.  I’ve been busy.  What is going on, on the inside…inside my brain?  What have I been too busy to see?  Words rush, ideas crash.  I’m forgetting them already.  It’s a jungle in here!  I must weed through it.  I need quiet.  Hush, brain!  I live in a land of headaches.  It cramps my head.  I squint.  I breath deep.  Flick the clove to the concrete and start a fire.  A concrete fire in my brain.  I’m clearing it out.  Where does that leave me now?  Tired.