Dionysus

     I want to do something impulsive.  I want to tear down the columns and go crazy.  I'm tired of putzing.  Tired of fuddy.  Tired of going to bed and getting back up again.  Tired of this pokey old whatever.  I find myself wanting the "good ol' days."  Hankering for carousing.  Or something.  Carousing isn't the right word...  But I want excitement.  I want something to happen.  I want to be young and live out my youth to the fullest.  Why am I not "sowing my wild oats"?  Why aren't I enjoying my youth?  Why am I just a duddery old pudge of day in and day out same old nothing.  I want to delve the depths of my youth.  I might make mistakes--but I want to make them.  I want to flop.  I want to jump of the cliff.  I want to do something.  My life has become a predictable cycle.  I need change.  I need to run for a while.  I don't care if I commit some stereotypical youthful mistake.  Maybe I'll regret it later.  But maybe I won't.  Maybe I'll see it as youth lived out to it's fullest.  I mean, I wasn't a saint before, but I don't have regrets, necessarily.

     But in the end, it all comes down to the fact that I have no idea what I want.  Two sides war within me.  One longing to fulfill my youthful, hedonist desires; the other to become more than this.  This is the Dionysus within.